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Thursday, November 26th, 2009
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Today was probably the most unconventional thanksgiving I've ever had. We woke up at noon and went over to Ian's grandma's house. His Aunt and little Cousin were waiting for us when we got there. We went inside and Ian's grandma was at a movie, and had cooked everything the night before.
It was a good effort on her part. We didn't even eat at the table though. Grams got home after we'd eaten.. which was good, because the cherry pie she'd made tasted like she'd put rubatussin in as a filler. :F
It's not to say I wasn't glad to have someone to spend such a day with.. but it made me miss a lot of aspects of being with my family.
I miss having a big group of people to catch up with. Before my mom and I started talking again, I thought none of them wanted me around. It filled me with enough animosity not to miss them. Instead, I resented them.. but now.. now I long for the people I really know. I miss my mom, brother and sister. I miss my dad. Sometimes I feel so disconnected and homesick from them. I haven't lived with any of them in a long long time, and it feels strange to be homesick at all..
I miss the crackers and cheese before dinner. I'd eat so many, by the time dinner rolled around, I wouldn't be hungry. I miss all the good food that would be spread out on the table. Way more than just the bird, mashed potatoes and stuffing. I miss how we'd all say what we were thankful for before we started eating..
I really hope that next year, we'll be able to go see some part of my family. I do love Ian's family, but I see them all the time. I would like to see mine for once.
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Saturday, November 21st, 2009
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Having nine days away from work is what I seriously needed.
I was so burned out, it was crazy. It only took a couple hours on my first day back to feel jaded again, but at least I'd been caught up on sleep.
Work is frustrating as ever.. and I KNOW that until I go to school and get a job I honestly care about, it's going to be that way for some time.
Sometimes I feel like school will never happen for me. That I'll just end up like so many of the people I work with, and just be grounded by a job I have to stick with so I can keep my home. I'm tired of the responsibility a large portion of the time. The people I work with are awesome, and WFs a good company, but the bottom line is that it's not a REAL job. It's just a BS stage of work I'm going to be stuck in for a long long time until I get past my anxiety of taking on the financial and mental challenge of just going to school and doing what I need to do. At this point, it's something that I really do NEED to do. I don't feel any success anymore, no matter how much I've had of it where I currently am. That store would still be there if I left, and to me, that only means failure.
The Labaren burned down a few weeks back, and we got ourselves a new car over my vacation. It's a Chrysler Seabring coupe.. 99. It's actually a pretty nice car. If anything, it just feels good to see my name on it. Even though I'm a loser and don't have a licsence. It's a big burden lifted.
Winter is just about here now. Every day gets colder, and the rain-or at least the clouds-are probably going to become permanent soon. I can already feel the winter blues. I do enjoy the rain, but the cold and lack of sun destroy my state of mind. I've started taking St Johns Wort in hopes that I can curb my lack of enthusiasm.
I wish I had something else to post, but alas, my life is Ian, and then work, and then animals, and otherwise, there's just never much going on with me.
Until next time.
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Saturday, October 10th, 2009
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Sometimes things need to come screeching to a grinding halt so you can take a step back and assess the situation. Breath.
I have no idea what can happen here. It could happen to me, or my siblings for all I know.
What I do know is that I'm glad things have changed enough for this relationship to progress, that way, no matter what happens, I won't have anymore regrets.
I'm tired of them.
I certainly do hope that everything is okay, and that there are many years to expand upon this new growth. If this sprout is cut short by a cloudy day, or a gale of wind.. well.. It may just break me.
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Monday, August 10th, 2009
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If life being hard made me wanna give up,
then working for three weeks with only two days off really does.
Luckily, today is my friday and I get two days now. Still, they will be of no use. I'll probably spend the whole time sleeping.
I haven't been myself at work in a long long time. Budget is too low and there's never enough help. And that leaves me to work alone or close to it. I just want some reward for what I do...
Yet I feel like I'm more consistently punished for doing good.
I even got written up for tardiness last month because I left early when Ian flipped the car, I called out when the old man died in front of me, I left early a couple times, and I had a couple missed punches at the time clock.....
I swear.. were those first two not excusable? I don't understand!!
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There is nothing that makes me more ashamed than to admit that I need help from my Mom.
I love her and I appreciate her giving. It scares me though.
A couple years ago, I asked her to help, and granted we weren't in the right places mentally to handle the situations diplomatically, and things went downhill. We didn't start talking again till recently.
I'm so glad to have her in my life again. I honestly missed her and her love. I missed having someone to be proud of me. I missed having someone I could relate to, someone I could look at and begin to better understand myself.
I'm so afraid she might think I'm trying to take advantage of her, or that she'll judge the situation before she knows all the details.
I'm not proud that I'm in debt, and I'm ashamed to plead for her assistance, even though she offered it.
I work so hard for what little I have. I can never manage to be completely happy about it because the demands I put on myself are high at best, and I typically do not meet them.
I love my family, and I regret not being able to be closer to them. I've found excuses over the years not to, and now that I want to be, it seems I never have the time to. Hell, I don't even have time to have friends outside of work. I can't remember the last time I saw any outside of work.
My life would be a very lonely one if it weren't for Ian, but still..
I would really hate to have my current situation sever the fine line holding my mom and I together again. Perhaps we were both to blame before, but this time, I would only be able to blame myself.
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Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
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Not having a car, walking to work is currently in for me.
I was on my way today. Ian and Robby walked me halfway, before going off on their own. I made it down most of the way on cottage. I was on the right side of the street. Normally I would have gone on the other side by then, but there was shade there.
I came upon a house who's roses I love. There was a gold chevy truck parked facing the road. I could see someone laying on the ground.
At first I thought someone was laying there getting some sun. But that wouldn't make sense, given the grassy and shady yard. So I figured maybe they were working on the truck. but that wasn't right either. They weren't moving..
( death on a doorstep.. )
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I feel so burned out today.
My day off is today, and back to work tomorrow.. then another day off. PFT!
I spent today sleeping on and off. It was all I could manage.
The poor place is a mess.
but I'll clean it some other time.
When I'll manage to actually get to bed though.. that is the question of the night.
Hmm.
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I went to work Thursday and received the unfortunate news I didn't make supervisor.
I worked for about an hour after that, disappointed but okay.
I got a call from Ian's mom at three saying , "He's okay he's okay."
I asked who and what was she talking about.
"Ian's been in a wreck. He's okay, but we're in the ER to make sure. The car is totalled."
Of course, I freaked. I start crying thinking that someone hit him or something.
She tells me he fell asleep behind the wheel.
( continued.. )
My mom was nice enough to stop by and help us out by writing a significant check, for which I'm exceedingly grateful.
She's also going to fix up her old car and let us use it for the time being.
I'm glad she was so quick to help. She's given us some serious piece of mind, right when it matters most.
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The thrill I can't shake my anxiety lately.
Three hours at work today.
I almost gave up and left, and I can't afford to do that.
Suffice to say, I feel like it's gonna kill me.
I get home only to be instantly weary and go to bed soon after.
Only to have a tiny noise wake me early in the morning before I need to get up.
What the hell is wrong?
A million and one things that have always been.
So why is this happening now?
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I'm only inspired when I'm exhausted, but here goes nothing.
A few thoughts.
The world and humankind are interconnected in their states of being. They develop and expand together. There were periods of beauty, and periods of growth. Expansion with little destruction.
However, our common union is now in a constant state of decay. Disarray mars the landscape of the Earth. it devastates the rolling hills and canyons of our minds.
As human kind slips into despair, the world grows dark.
Dimming day by day, we lose our unity with this once grand and awe inspiring place.
Individuals fall into living day by day in an attempt to "get by" without furthering our capabilities and our species. What sets humans apart from animals is not our opposable thumbs. It is not our emotions even. It is our simple ability to be able to make a conscious and informed decision on what direction life (as an individual) will or will not take.
And yet, we no longer chose. Humanity has forgotten that being human is neither a choice nor birth rite. It is not our genes or past generations triumphs. Being human is being humane. It is our fundamental ability to look past self preservation and look on to others, both human and animal.
Being human is having the ability to see the big picture and to become part of the whole instead of remaining an amoeba in the microcosm. Humanity must not forget.. but more and more, those who rule our planet force us into a state of being that can only be classified as uncivilized and un-evolved.
We are overstimulated by drugs and undernourished intellectually.
The only choice we are given is to live for ourselves or not live at all.
Thriving has begun it's withdrawal from this world.
Things here no longer thrive. It is marked not only in the "human condition", but in our planetary actions as a whole.
Due to a mental disarray and humanities current state of captivity, civilization is acting out in more frequent and disturbing frequency.
Each day, more people start their lives by watching the unfortunate business simply referred to as "news". We start our mornings by growing accustomed to our unnatural state of "normality". We desensitize ourselves to how we SHOULD be, by consistently accepting how we currently ARE.
Each and every day, crimes are committed by human kind that escape sound reasoning or general sanity. Whether it be a disturbing tale of parental neglect, a sexual fixation gone too far, or a brutal murder for no apparent reason, one thing is becoming very clear:
HUMANITY ON A GLOBAL SCALE IS SICK.
Is humanity sick beyond helping? Looking at people on an individual scale makes it difficult to tell.
Our kind is currently governed by money. Money has become our concept of thriving. Money is the one thing most everywhere that drives our kind. With money, there is power. With power people feel a sense of personal growth. They feel as though they are thriving.
It has been ages since humanity as a civilization has taken a step forward. Our lack of progress is , on a large scale, unnoticed. The steps taken forward are being forgotten. Standing still, literally and figuratively, have become in large parts of the world, normal.
We do not realized that our kind could be standing upon something dangerous. Like the creatures that came before us, we are drawn to water, no matter what's beneath it. The potential for unseen threats is both vast and incalculable. There is still time for humanity to step back before being dragged below by the tar being built up by our ignorance and apathy.
There is still time for us to save each other. The "civilized" parts of the world turn a blind eye to the rest of it. In particular, during times of threat to our current standards of thriving, we've begun walking away from those who need us.
Other continents, merely miles away on the grand cosmic scale, call out for help. They cry for that which is desperately needed. That call out for someone who is human (or humane) enough to understand their plight. They have been left behind in our haste to find that which we lost... sadly, many many people who truly need only a little in the grand scheme of things to begin the process of what thriving truly is, go unheard.
We see their faces every day on our t.v. sets, and we cover our ears and eyes. We do not so much as speak of them. After all, this is how we ARE.
The planet itself has been virtually left behind long before we abandoned our own kind. We've taken what we want without restoring the area that gave to us to begin with. We pock our planet with the scars of our cities. We poison our own food to see more of it so that a select few can thrive with those who consume it suffer. All the while, the process creates toxic inland environments both hazardous to humans and to the other animals that live there.
Our toxins and chemicals know no bounds, and travel outward. On their way, herbicides eat away at the natural plant life along river banks. The roots which hold the adjacent land in place die, and the earth along with the poison that released it, are washed out to sea. Along with them, man made debris and refuse join them until they reach the deep water and combine with the flotsam and sargassom. They contaminate the ocean eco-systems down to the building blocks of each individual member of the food chain. When the chain decays on one end, it begins to unravel and fall apart.
We burn fossil fuels for energy, and as we do, release tons of green house gases (commonly carbon dioxide) into the atmosphere. Human kind appears to have readily accepted the one degree factor over the last decades. Unbeknownst to most, however, are the dangers found at the Earth's poles. it is another accepted fact that the ice caps are melting, and we can expect to have very little left in the next ten to twenty years. It has not stopped us. Globally, we seem to have already accepted the loss of our coasts, abandoning our own kind that live there along with the vastly diverse ad delicate eco-systems off shore.
As the world grows hot, the permafrost grows cool. Permafrost is something the planet may not be able to live without.
Commonly, it is known as frozen plant life (typically moss) found beneath the arctic tundra. Collectively, plants and moss alike absorb gasses from the atmosphere around them. When the plant is frozen, it along with the gases it's absorbed, are kept entombed in the ice.
We all know plants absorb carbon dioxide, but there is more on the list outside of it and nitrogen that plants take in.
Methane gas used to be a very common greenhouse gas as recently as a few million years ago, when the global climate was more tropical. When plant life was reaching a peak in it's thriving conquest to live and diversify, it absorbed enough methane out of the atmosphere to actually cool the planet. Eventually, the earth became cool enough to freeze large deposits of methane and prevent the planet from warming further. Earth had found a balance in which it could thermo-regulate consistently enough to create a landscape unto which humanity was cradled.
Methane is several times more powerful on a temperature scale than carbon dioxide. In addition, Methane in the atmosphere is eventually oxidized, producing carbon dioxide and water. As a result, the more methane that is released into the atmosphere, the more carbon dioxide will result from it over time.
Human kind has been lucky so far to have had the thermostat set in the hands of mother Earth. As we try to take away that which we hastily assume we understand, we push our kind and our planet, to the brink.
We walk a tight rope. On either side are two very different fates.
one one side, we remember the sacrifices those who came before us made to set us apart and make us special. We understand that our humanity is a choice. We remember that which truly sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. We remember each other, our home and planet, and what it truly means to live and thrive.
On the other side of the rope; humanity continues to accept what it has become and what it believes it is. Our kind continues the conquest for self preservation, while continuing it's apathy to that which surrounds us. We accept the global change, the loss of potentially billions of our own kind, as well as the delicate eco-systems that hang in the balance.. And human kind as a whole collapses in a fiery and violent end to which both an immature and hasty (yet promising) race, and a great deal of what makes Earth "home", cannot escape.
I know the choice I'm going to make.
I choose to be conscious. I cannot accept how we ARE.
What choice will you make?
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I'm going to be taking my vacation in a week.
I'm not going anyplace. Just away from work for a week.
I could use it.
Since the new leadership of the front end team has taken over, things have gone downhill in a hurry.
They have three jobs above all others:
-job dialogues
-writing the schedules
-supporting regional promotions
When they write the schedule, they think the busiest hour is twelve pm, rather than between five and seven.
They also feel it is better for the customers to have lots of cashiers and no one to bag their groceries.
Their idea of a regional promotion is to put up signs rather than educate team members and get them involved so they can get the customer interested. One supervisor took absolutely no part in the last push for a world wide charity. And they did nothing about it.
Regional is coming down on us hard. They lit a fire under our asses as well as the store team leaders who paid their dues doing little jobs like ours ten years ago. My direct team leader Janelle told me today that the associate regional coordinator for the front end told her she was scheduling all wrong.. which is funny.. I mean, she actually listened to this broad. Nevermind that I've had the exact same discussion with Janelle on several different ocassions.
I've become engrossed at work. I've become the associate store rep for our team member awareness group, I coordinate all Green Mission activity on the front end, I'm the team trainer, and I'm also in the beginning phases of designing a mural for our new produce chalk boards (which are apparently, huge).
As much as I am a do-gooder, and a total over achiever, it's time for me to take a break. I need a breather.
My customer service is in the toilet thanks to all the stress up front.
I think I'll spend at least two days sleeping, I'll do a bit of spring cleaning also.. but mostly, I think I'm going to spend my time outside. We've been going to William Pond lately. It's easily the most amazing part of the river in the local area. Discovery Park has nothing on this place. How many other spots on the river have this much riparian forest? Sacramento is the city of trees, put this area puts it to shame. I love seeing all the elm and cotton wood. It's amazing.
We've had an amazing spring this year. Most of it actually WAS spring time weather. It just rained yesterday. Everything is still green and growing. It was amazing to be out at the pond during sunset, and seeing all the animals out and about, doing what comes naturally. We saw a ton of hares and rabbits grazing in the cooling evening. We saw a couple snowy egrets fishing in the pond. We saw a lot of ducks, and the night swifts come out. We saw canadian geese, but strangely, the speckle bellies are still no where to be found.
The california coastal clean up is coming to sac this September. I volunteered this place. I hope they consider it.
Ugh. Time for bed now.
night
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Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
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I started seeing Ian's chiropractor.
He's a really amazing doctor, and he's already helped Ian a great deal since he's been seeing him. Ian is his client, and the chiropractor, Dr. Bob, is also Ian's. Ian designed his logo, his book cover, and his website. It's pretty neat.
I went in to get my evaluation about a week and a half ago. We took a look at my posture, and cha, it's not good. They didn't say anything specific, just that we would go over the results of the x rays the next week.
So, I went in yesterday. As it should turn out, I have one six year old whip lash injury. It's pretty.. well, it's not as bad as it can be, but it surprised me to look at the x ray. There is no.. NO curve in my neck.. My skull is pushing further over the last vertabrae than it should, so it can't move. It's also restricting a blood vessel, which would explain the head aches. Since the top one can't move, the two on the very bottom compensate for it's lack of movement and move too much. Thus, they're wearing out. They aren't quite stage two of degen, but they're not stage one either.
My.. I think it's the fifth lumbar, is compressed. Like wow compressed. I've had a feeling that it's been a problem spot since I was fifteen. I would get sharp pains in the siatic nerves on my left side all the time. Never mind all the unpleasant side effects of being a lady. I feel so old suddenly.
So, I got adjusted. It was the most amazing feeling ever. I can't remember the last time I could pop my neck. Several months after the accident it wouldn't anymore. I was just a teenager then. I attributed later pains and aches to becoming an adult. I sort of accepted it without thinking, " I'm 22. I shouldn't HAVE pain."
Several hours after the adjustment and at work, naturally, my back began pulling everything back apart, and it was pretty uncomfortable. I doubt it would be as uncomfortable as becoming stage three like Ian. He's lucky to have gone back to be evaluated.
We worked out some really cool payment arrangements given Dr. Bob and Ian's relationship, so I won't go broke trying to stay healthy. That makes me damn happy.
It'll be interesting, seeing the progress of my recovery. It makes me concerned for everyone else who was in the accident too though. I'll have to arrange for them to come in.
Additionally, tomorrow is my interview for TMAG. I haven't studied one bit. I have no idea what the hell kinds of questions they'll ask me. Hopefully it's something like, "So, since you didn't want to work six days this week, and we had to make you because we forgot to schedule you for the interview, do you just want to take the position, go home and take a nap?"
Arg. Maybe I AM bitter after all.
Heh.
May teh best ledy wins
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I need a vacation.
Soon, I am going to be taking a week, at least a week, away from work.. away from Sacramento.
I love my home and I have a good job, but even the good things can make you crazy.
I have been nothing short of stressed to the breaking point at work. I am lucky my paychecks are adequit, or I'd probably fuck myself over by quitting.
Our budget keeps shrinking, and each and every night I close, we have less and less resources. I can't get everything done anymore. My team leader came up to me the other morning and asked if I had taken care to make sure all the tables inside had been put away properly. I told her of course, it doesn't take long, and I did that first. She then informs me that there had been plates and food stuck to them when the openers came in and they had to clean it. We both came to the conclusion that inventory had left the shit behind.
Then today she comes up and asks if I check the fronts of the checkstands and make sure that no random merchandise (Although I swear, with that set up, that IS all the fronts of the check stands are) was left. I told her I usually do this over an hour before we close. She then tells me there was a lot of stuff that didn't belong there. Of course, the store had been acceptionally busy, and our customers .. well, don't always make informed or wise decisions. I explained I had already stayed and done twenty minutes of OT and that it couldn't be helped.
Had she pressed, I could have mentioned how the morning crew has next to no customers to speak of and are consistently over staffed.. maybe next time.
I believe I just may be coming up for a promotion on the flip side. Busting my ass is actually getting me somewhere. In fact, busting my ass doesn't quite cover it.
I will also be applying to represent the team members in the store and make sure that all operations that can even remotly affect their happieness run smoothly. I have to speak in front of a board, and I'm pretty sure I'll blow it. Additionaly, one of the people who will be on the board isn't my biggest fan at the moment. She has a frustrating tendancy to never pick up the phone or come to her department because she'll chat up a single customer for an hour at a time. The last few days I've made single pages and left it at that. However, each time I've done it she complains and tells me she's working alone or it's just her and Daryl, though I'm never rude over the intercom. ..
I don't get her, and if I don't make it because of her, fuck it.
I'm helping out with the stores green mission, and the ellected store rep is so computer illiterate, he's running me in circles, trying to get me to check his email for him and communicate with regional hq directly, because "I type faster and am more familiar with computers than he"...... I ran for the position also. I am okay with not having been chosen, but I'll be damned if I end up doing those tasks without the title.
Work has been running my life far and inbetween.. I am looking forward to my siesta with Ian. We could both really use the time away.
We'll be spending a few days in Monterey, and Deb is going to help us pay for a hotel room so we don't have to do something as stupid as worry while on vacation.
I can barely contain myself.. I want to drop of the face of the earth and land at an aquarium now!
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Wednesday, March 18th, 2009
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I'm so tired. For the last week and a half, I've developed and overcome strep throat. I took four days off work. Four days I honestly needed.
Having to deal with my customers day in and day out is slowly driving me crazy. I work hard enough to convince my direct team leader to let me be a bagger a good portion of the time. That way, I don't have to talk to them. Even then, having to deal with the general foul attitudes of most of them is difficult to bear.
I thought the customers at Safeway were bad. The general public that shops in such a place is idiotic more often than not. Still, dealing with general idiocy is a lot easier than dealing with the middle upper class who thinks their shit doesn't stink. All of them have this urge to be catered to, and are completely thankless. I know it's my job, but I'm always polite to people who have customer service jobs. Maybe just because I understand. I don't know.
I feel like the last two years have caused me to lose myself. I feel more often than not like I obsorb people's personalities rather than output my own. I feel less and less genuine every day. I feel like I have little to uniquely offer. Except my concern about this.
I've become easily bored as well. I've had no options to do much of anything the last few years, and now that I have the option to, I don't care. Everything is so superficial to me. It utterly lacks value or any reprieve from my current state of mind. I've lived without most of it, so it just doesn't matter to me anymore.
I'm back to work today, and I imagine I'll just go through it in the same robot state of mind, the only function I can find to get me through the day. I don't know where my positive state of mind went. I think it went to hell..
I imagine I'll get over this like I always do. I go through days like this, and then completely forget about it. I need to start using this as an outlet again.
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Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
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Change is one of those things where no matter how long it takes, or sometimes, how quickly it happens, when it actually does, it's often a little mind boggling. Recently, it's been staggering.
We drive by where we used to live sometimes. Actually, pretty often. It's only a block away from where we are now. When we go by, I feel this blackness surrounding it. Like the place itself was bad. Granted, it's ugly, no plants grow there, and only crack heads and a shit manager live there now. Really though, all the events that unfolded there left me with a bad taste in my mouth that I won't soon forget. Even then, I have found myself moving on.
Here we are now, we've been here for at least six months, and it's beginning to feel almost like those events never transpired. Like it was all just some bad dream that taught me a lesson. Like when you come in out of the cold and get warm, only to forget how the cold itself felt, and instead you only remember how badly you wished you weren't in it.
These days there is this new sense of stability, something that hasn't been around in a long time. I want to go out and have fun again. The challenges set up in daily existence suddenly don't seem so hard. They can be hum drum, but if that's the worst of it, I really can't complain.
The last two days, I got sick for the first time in over a year. I took the last two days off work. I call out so little, that I have a lot of sick days I can take. Even though I haven't felt too fantastic, it's been nice to be around the house and take it easy. I honestly love my home. It's just me and Ian here. That's just perfect for me.
Before the holidays last year, my mom and I started talking again. It all started with her asking if we could be in each other's lives again. We've seen each other a few times, but each time, nothing went wrong. I feel she may have contacted me because her health is slipping down the tubes. It seems that most of the time she has a tremor in her limbs, usually her hands, that I can't not notice. I don't know if it has to do with the long term effects of damage to her liver, or her current drinking predicament. I imagine that conversation will come to soon though. I still remember when I was first told what was wrong. I cried the entire day.
Life seems to have begun finally stabilizing into .. well, life. It's a change for the better.
I can't wait to see what lies around the corner in spring.
I do believe the pessimist is finally putting her chin up.
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Saturday, January 3rd, 2009
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The holiday season of 08 went so much better than the last few years. Sometimes, when you go through hard times, it ruins the parts of the year that are meant to be close with the people you love. I regret some things I've done and said over the years, and I'm glad to have learned from some of my mistakes and had this holiday season be one of the best in a long time.
I believe we were some of the first to be hit in the current housing crisis. Since that time almost three years ago, we went through hell and back. I burned a lot of bridges that are now only beginning to mend.
We spent the Christmas eve with Ian's dad and step mom, and over all, had a good time. We went to my Dad's house in the morning of Christmas day and spent time there till noon. I didn't really have the time to catch up with dad on account of dad being dad, but I suppose that is okay.
Later we went to my Moms. We've been on rocky ground since I was a teenager. I was happy to have dinner there and catch up. We left a little early, and that was unfortunate, but to have been there at all and have it go so well, was a gift enough.
This last year, these last few days.. well, it was humbling to see everyone the way they were. During dinner at my mom's Jim said our thanks at the table: Things aren't the way they were, and everything is different. But we are grateful to all be here together enjoying this meal... I couldn't have put it better myself.
Nothing is the same.. and everything is different indeed. but at least we are all beginning to find common ground in the current state of being the world is in. I'm glad we were able to spend time together. I hope this holiday season brings a new foundation to the bridge and the gasoline I'd so hastily thrown upon it, begins to evaporate.
I hope this new year, as we all continue to grow, learn and even struggle, we gain something from it.
Hello 2009. We're gonna kick your ass.
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Friday, December 12th, 2008
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This time of year makes me crazy.
The cold hurts my joints. I'm old already I guess.
It stings my nose and makes my eyes water.
Global warming makes me just as pessimistic as the lack of sunshine. They're two very frustrating and appaulingly obvious things in the winter.
I pulled a bunch of muscles in my lower back almost a week ago at work, and I'm still recovering...ouch.
Tonight, Ian and I were eating some Adalbertos, when I bit my tongue. I bit it so hard, it made a crunch sound. Ian told me it sounded like I bit down on a bone or broke a tooth. In fact, I bit a small portion of my tongue through.... ugh. How the hell did I even do that? Amazingly, it's already healed a great deal. Saliva: The other neosporin.
Ugh. And now I can't sleep! Damned be... stuff.
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Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
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I think the one thing that drives me crazy about having six not working computers is that you just don't know where the hell things end up.
I've been looking for the last hour for a picture Ian made me..
I kinda wanted to find it and post it up for him to say.. as an "I love you THIS much"
kind of gesture...
and I can't find it! Augh!
I wish I had the tech know how to pull out hard drives from things and make them work without having to set up an entire computer. I'm just not intuitive or knowledgable when it comes to that crap..
Damn pictures and not backing them up in easy to find methods. I swears
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Friday, November 21st, 2008
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Lately I've been feeling a little lonely. I have Ian to talk to whenever I need to, and he and I are proverbial best friends.. despite already being boyfriend and girlfriend.
I miss the companionship of another girl though.. and I have no clue what to do about it. I've made friends at work, but they seem almost stuck at work and unable (or perhaps, unwilling) to do anything outside of work.... why is this?
I'm confused and feeling somewhat pathetic.
I am going to see an old friend today... even though he's a boy, it ought to be fun. :D Nothing against men. I prefer their friendship over most women.
I thinks I'ms a littles confusededed....
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Tuesday, November 11th, 2008
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Things have been slowly progressing.
The eta on the case is unknown, but I'm not too worried about it. I know we'll be fine with or without it.
I saw my Mom for the first time in over two years the other day. She sent me a text message a couple weeks before my birthday, asking if it was okay if we talked. I told her yes. After a couple weeks, we agreed to lunch together.
We wound up going to a Japanese restaurant called Mikuni's. I had been thinking before I went, that she may have a drink, and that it was possible I would have to say something about it. Instead, she just ordered water. But as lunch progressed, a small tremor she'd had all day was gradually turning into shaking. I felt proud and bad all at once. I knew she'd taken what I'd told her those years ago and tried her best to "be what I want her to be"... but I felt like crap for it because she was physicly suffering ... for me.
In the end though, we had a good time. We talked about a lot of things and did some serious catching up. I sent her a text later on, thanking her for lunch and that we should do it again soon. She told me that she was glad to hear that, and that I was a beautiful person and she was proud of me.
I think that's pretty neat.
Well, the holidays are coming up really soon. Even sooner is Me and Ian's anniversary. It will be three years the twenty second... and I still have no idea how to celebrate. Shucks. I'm terrible at surprises, and that's what I'd really like to do this year. I'll figure something out.
Ugh. I hate this time of year. I feel like I have too little time to get anything done, and typicly more to do than in summer. No wonder I get so grumpy
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winds_of_fall's journal
sick.