the human apocolyptic time bomb

speeds back towards zero

Days gone by
winds_of_fall
I can't remember the last time I wrote or why, but I imagine it's been a while and that I was probably either lamenting the days in days out or something or other to that effect.

School is back in and that is always a fundamental reason for everything else to take a significant back seat.
I've become a personal tutor for a young woman on my campus for her physical science class on Fridays and personal tutor Eric (who has returned to college life) for algebra. Both have thus far prooved to be immensly rewarding and I find I do honestly enjoy sharing the knowledge I've worked so hard for with others so that they too can move ahead. Maybe one day they'll be able to do the same.

This semester for myself is Calc II and microecon. The latter is easy but interesting at times. Calc II is a math monster, but I have an 86% in the class after the first exam and cannot help but feel good about myself for that reason. This is my last semester of math, and I am so glad. I've been meeting new classmates and am in the process of attempting to create a study group. I attribute much of my success to simply not taking any other hard classes with it. I am SO glad to finally be done with chemistry.

Work is becoming more difficult yet again (no surprises there) though for different reasons than those of the past. My customers are still by and large mighty assholes and half the people I work with would benefit themselves and everyone if they gave a fractional shit about anything. We are implimenting a new order from regional to begin writing schedules based on a time clock software we have that measures projected sales and when the best slots are for people to fill. This has left me the last two weeks with less than 20 hours. This threatens my position in the company. The worst part is, corporate could give a shit less.

And so, I once again realize that I very badly need a new job. *sigh*
More than 10,000 service hours (plus tons of abuse and neglect) and this is the thanks I get. Good to know.
I'm considering going to the campus job services deal they have and seeing if they may be able to point me in some direction where I stand a fair chance of actually recieving employment. I've also considered pushing back my UC Davis transfer date a year to officially posess all three of my associate's degrees so I can find a better job.

So many things to consider. In the mean time, I'm broke. After writing out the finances with Eric, he and I have both come to the conclusion that the "easiest" way to make it work is to do away with our vices and eating out. That means; no meals out, no cigarettes, no beer. To say I'm ecstatic is a lie, but it's one I'm going to try and feign anyway to see if I can make it true to myself. Time will tell.

Then there's the matter of my parents. My father is dying; the COPD just gets worse. He's attempting to line himself up to be a potential case for a lung transplant. However, due to his hyperthyroid, he needs to gain weight and all attempts at doing so thus far appear to be failing. I tried calling him on his birthday but he didn't answer (and I suspect it's due to his inability to breath and accordingly, to speak.)

My mother's doctor recently called her to inform her that there's a large "growth" in her back that's "eating away at her spine" which in my mind likely indicates cancer. I don't even know what to feel about that. I've generally accepted (and yes it's fucked up) that my dad is for the most part already dead. However, to acknowledge the same for my mom is proving more difficult. As of current, she has yet to go in for testing for any conclusive evidence. It's a situation where I'll be glad if I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong.

So yes, life is still a stress train. But things carry on. I suppose it's because they must. I will follow suit and just keep doing the best I can. Where these roads lead, I have yet to say. I like to imagine that they end in some meadow which meets the end of a forest, where the light that gets in looks as though it's viewed from a tunnel... you know, that whole, "and then I saw a bright light," deal. That there is a bright light and comfort. It's silly, but I think most of us share some sort of belief in some such terms.....

Summer's here and then summer's gone
winds_of_fall
Summer has been a fleeting slideshow of all of the things. Rare moments that will never happen again. Vacation with friends. Time with myself.
There were a few major breaks in the season and I find that I am grateful. Those breaks gave me room to grow, and I find I feel I've done so rather quickly.
Most of the time though, the weather was such that I would spend hours, quietly reclined next to Eric feeling glad (for the first time in a little while) to be alive.
I've come to understand how utterly fortunate that I am. Things could have been different, but had they been, they wouldn't be the way they are now.
For what life is, I know this moment inofitself too is fleeting and I find myself furiously clinging to it. Today, my last day of summer, I worked and found that I could not help resenting all of everyone I saw. They are why I do school to myself. Else I would read journals and scientific papers all day and gain specified knowledge accordingly.
And so- that was the final push. The: you're excited school is back in. And it is.
My major lament is into letting go of that which is not my job. My life is rich in all the ways that money never could be. I am comfortable. I have many fur children that I've gotten to bond with more over the last few months. I have good friends and I've finally gotten more time to talk with Kara (one of three people that truly gets and appreciates me fully). I've had the energy to create more positive relationships with my family and strengthen those ties a little. Furthermore, I know that I am cared for (even if the number of people is relatively fractional).
And with all that, I have to press on till the autumn twilight of 2017. And then I will transfer and move forward with such undoubtedly sudden force as to make me worry about it now.
So there you have it; the culmination of where I currently stand. Moments etched in computer memory; corruptible, and utterly fleeting should anything go awry.
It has been so real summer. I know I shall not forget you.

(no subject)
winds_of_fall
The end of "summer break" is approaching and I am bewildered at the seemingly sudden passage of the time. Where did it all go?
I realize though that I've had several bouts of episodic growth spurts mentally and emotionally and do honestly feel that I've filled in some.
The time away from it all was the only way. Even so, there was so much time spent reminding myself why I've pushed towards what I have. I cannot stay still when I'm put behind bars in life and I cannot take any of it lying down. And so I just try my damnedest to apply the tools and techniques I've gained to make the most out of things ... Try to just make some sense of it all.
Lately, the answer to that has leaned towards life simply being chaos in practice. For some reason, this oversimplification is assuring to me and I've managed to gain a bit of inner peace.
The end of the year is approaching like the crest of a tsunami still far from land, but you can still notice the receding tide. It seems this summer time has just about run out and I myself must run before I am overtaken by the future battles ahead. School, holidays.. Rinse repeat.

A minute and vague update
winds_of_fall
Sometimes, the best that may come from inner sight is only the ability to look around through personal dissection. Relentless, I have been.
Torn up the foundation and repaved. The cement is still drying.
Though the self is fundamentally restored, my ability to feel has improved and I am remembering again why I shut it all down.
Being vulnerable has become the worst thing in the world to me. Still, the world keeps rewarding it lately in small ways. Everything otherwise remains give and take, which is fine and well.
I think, a big part of that break down is my fear of my own potential. That weight I've had to shoulder through an intensely poor lifetime of self neglect and varying abuse. I'm afraid to care about too much because it may all slip away. And so, I digress, I react like the sixteen year old I feel like at times and blunder my way towards understanding.
And so, here we are again, pondering further the nature of our soul.
Sometimes I feel like I've been here before...

(no subject)
winds_of_fall
What can I say. Having time-TIME!-has been utterly amazing. Utterly needed. Utterly everything.
Refreshed in a sense, I still find myself headlong in something. Lately, and more specifically, my outlook. Reasoning and all that. What can I say?
Well, for one; my experiences paint my view of the world, and sometimes, they are more limiting than helpful. Keeping an open mind gets harder as I get older. Understanding takes practice and ego takes root. I've been trying my damnedest to reconnect the self that had the limited experiences, and thus, was less likely to judge.
Breaking down old barriers takes work. While I am glad I have tools to help, I'm surprised to find that I am also exhausted. Still, the broken ground is a change of scenery.
I'm glad that such ground is broken mostly around the edges. Just a few weeks ago, the calving of that ground felt deeper than ever. Eduring what was my life for a few months was too much strain. I want so much to catch up with all the people that matter to me but instead find myself being reclusive in my mental meanderings instead.
I think I'm finally ready to do that now. And it couldn't have come at a better time.
Eric and I are having dinner with brian (my chem 401 professor) and his wife tomorrow. Brian offered the invitation and I was happy to know I may have made a(n unlikely) friend. I say unlikely as though this was the first time myself and my professor talk, but it is the first time I've spent time with one outside of campus.
Still, I'm excited. Laura is a person I've only heard good things about and brian is an all around funny and interesting person.
Adventures that may come.
Happy summer vacation.

(no subject)
winds_of_fall
I am insanely grateful to have Eric in my life. Sometimes I get insanely good insight and he is always there to endure and actually understand the ensuing litany of verbiage.
He makes me realize that I am not alone in the world.
My anchor.

(no subject)
winds_of_fall
Sometimes you just want an alternative to what you're always doing. A different path that wasn't certain death.
That's all anyone really wants; options that mean something to what life really is without them; soul sucking.
And even with that knowledge, impossibly continue to exist in a constant state of uncertainty. I keep hoping it will start to make permanent sense, but it all hopelessly faded and is smeared with meaninglessness.
What tiny fires I kindle are hard pressed to expand past the ocean around them.
It feels cold out here.

(no subject)
winds_of_fall
It's always tough on everyone when a good friend leaves town. I make so few of them as is.
Still, when people you love find a ticket out, it is far from Nobel to hope they'll stay for you even though they are unhappy.
Safe and interesting travels to you, casey.
Till we meet again.

(no subject)
winds_of_fall
It's been a long year thus far.
Growth. Sometimes it is painful. I think it's supposed to be this way.
I'm having an insanely difficult time trying to decipher what I'm even feeling anymore. Things change, they stay the same.
Things are great, things are aweful.
It's all in my head. Each and every everything. I am the center of my universe, and for that reason, the logic that attempts to predict it is tragically flawed. Ideas are reality. It's hard to break out of the ego. I've not the energy to work at it, and I'm certain that this is the reason for my state as of late.
I cannot blame my life for once. I mean sure, it's not perfect, but I'm a firm believer of the idea of the grass always being greener. Still, I haven't drank deep of the cool aid in a while and I'm feeling it. I take so much for granted. I make excuses; I'm busy as all get out. And while that is true, surly I must still have some semblance of time to critically view myself and remember what it means to actually think.
David foster Wallace always resonates with me here, and I am of deep gratitude That Dr Michaela Cooper was happy to introduce it to my class.
It's easy to operate in default mode. My trips to places where I drop my ego are limited to one, and it's impossible to return as of now. I keep thinking that I learned to personally create that own space for myself. Maybe it's battery operated though and there's only one non portable charger that you know of.
Maybe that's why I'm writing. I have no more attraction to writing about the every day. I know a personal history is important, but the saga continues as it has, and I am won't to carry on for it. It's got it's own momentum and does what it does.
It's a beautiful time of year, and I feel drawn to imitate the new growth around me. It's hard though when you're often surrounded by poison, and you come to find that you-yourself-have created a great deal of it all on your own. It's like pissing in a bucket and never dumping it a lot of the time.
I don't have any clue as to what I'm trying to stab into my phone screen. My inner monologue. Haphazard a lot of the time
. It's okay to be flawed.

(no subject)
winds_of_fall
Everyone carries something heavy in their life. It's never the same as anyone else's, necessarily. There is no common standard as a unit of measurement. Often though, it all equates to the same based on the one using that particular conversion. Surely then, there are never any answers, only versions of them. How strange.

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